Hi Friends! October is my daughter Paige’s birth month, so it’s pretty serendipitous that my rainbow baby was born during pregnancy and infant loss month. It’s almost as if she did that on purpose to make me whole.
It was really tough for me to write this post. Not because it makes me sad, but because all of the sadness from infertility and the pain of losing a baby disappeared the second I met Paige. In an instant the hormone injections, mood swings, fertility drugs, doctors visits, pokes and prods, blood work and thousands of tears were erased. Had she not come along I would have a VERY different outlook. Quite honestly, I’d probably be a pretty bitter woman.
My story is similar to many others. We waited to start trying for children until we were married for 5 years, owned a home, traveled a bunch, had well established and successful careers. You know, the fictional “perfect time” to take the leap into parenthood. We naively assumed it would happen quickly and we were very wrong. We tried for 3 1/2 years to get pregnant. I had 5 rounds of fertility treatment, 2 fertility specialists, 2 OBGYN’s and one miscarriage from a pregnancy that surprisingly happened naturally.
To say I was mad at the world during that time is a colossal understatement. I kept asking myself these 2 questions: Why do people who don’t deserve to or who can’t care for a baby get pregnant? I have always longed to be a mother and we can give a baby such a wonderful life. Why are we being denied this gift? I know this sounds very judgy, but that is just how I felt in the thick of it all.
When you’re in your 30’s, many of your friends are also trying to have children. Cole and I were the first couple in our immediate circle to start trying. We were also dead last to have a baby. In fact many of our friends had 2 before we had our Paige. I happily threw and/or attended close to a dozen baby showers all the while longing to have my own. I would be able to get through the baby shower just fine, making a concerted effort not to ruin the mama-to-be’s joy. I would cry in private. When I got to the car or when I got home. I took it out on my poor husband most of the time. I also developed a sixth sense for knowing when someone was pregnant. That meant every time a friend wanted to get together to tell us in person I always knew what was coming. At least I had the ability to mentally prepare myself to be happy instead of cry when they shared their happy news. I had nothing but the utmost joy for all of them. I was just jealous that it wasn’t me with the good news to share.
I guess my goal in sharing our story is to give people hope. When you feel like it won’t happen for you, keep trying. When you’ve suffered the loss of a baby and think the pain will never go away, it probably will. When you are at your lowest possible point, think of our struggle and the perfect rainbow that came at the end of the storm!
I have so much empathy and compassion for anyone going through this emotional rollercoaster that is infertility and loss. Find someone to talk to. Lean on your family, friends and significant other. If you aren’t a talker, journal your feelings. I promise that it helps to get it all out.
If you want to open up a conversation or share your personal experiences please leave a note in the comments below❤️
In love and support,